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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.