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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.