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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.