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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.