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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.