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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Exercise? More like extra fries.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.