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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
My life coach just benched me.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin