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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
My life is just one long improvisation.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers