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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.