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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!