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Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.