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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.