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I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"