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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
I just threw up my weekend.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.