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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
I was told there would be kool-aid.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry