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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?