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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise