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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.