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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"