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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.