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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!