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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.