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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
2 words, 1 finger.
Your personality needs alcohol.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.