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Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.