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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.