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Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired