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I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.