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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off