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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.