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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.