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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red