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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.