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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Being an American is awesome. The end.