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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?