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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.