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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.