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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.