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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.