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Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
My life is based on a true story
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business