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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.