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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
It takes balls to be a man.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.