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Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?