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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.