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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused