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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up