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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.