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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.