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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Can I get likes for no reason?
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.