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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.