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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.