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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here