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Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?