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Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?