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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.