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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver