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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.