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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.