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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."