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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.