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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
Smelling another person should be a choice.