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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her