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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.