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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Iām not brave. Iām just past the age where running is an option.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?