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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.