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I drink to make other people interesting.
For those who do not know what ADHD can do to a person, let me expla.....oooh look i got a text message.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.