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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...