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If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business