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3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.