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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
u cant spell awesome without me
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.