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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.