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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.