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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Don`t waste my timeline.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat