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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.