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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.