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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...