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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?