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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
My mind has a mind of its own.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.