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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
This is a lousy dating site.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.