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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
That`s not how I met your mother.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.