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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Being alive is so expensive.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights