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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.