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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.